A Change In Perspective

 

In the summer of 2016 I created a photography series of self portraits, with the aim to deconstruct the way I looked at my body, and the way I saw beauty in it - or not. To consider my shape, my skin, and in connection, my sexuality, with a perspective separated from the images I've grown up seeing as representations of an ideal. It began as a purely personal project, and has taken me about two years to bring in to the light. By sharing it the stakes of vulnerability are raised tenfold, but so is the opportunity for growth. This is just one step on the journey towards self acceptance - sometimes a change in perspective is all that's needed.


 
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My body used to feel like currency.

Except the less there was of it, the richer life would be.

I looked for angles, for shadows,

for less.

Slowly my eyes adjusted to the dark, and saw past the narrow space in which

I did not fit.


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We learn, so quickly, to look with critical eyes.

To pick apart what makes us whole and find fault in every piece.

Rebuilding a broken identity based on a version of beauty

we didn't choose.

What if it isn't our body that's wrong?

What if it's the way we see it?


 
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We Don't Feel So Alone

 
 

ON THE WORST DAYS,


I sit and sob so hard my jaw aches and my pillow is soaked through with tears.

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I cry with such intensity I no longer breathe or make a sound.

Anxiety grips at my stomach and anchors me to the furthest corner of my bed, the safest place I can understand.

Irrational, illogical, lonely.

 
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Maybe it was being too busy for too long. Stress and pressure and crowds and hours building up with no respite, no release. The painful, tiring, tearing away from a relationship that broke apart an already fragile sense of self.

The tenderness and exposed wounds in starting again.



-


And the exhausting attempts to seem OK. Keep smiling. Keep scrolling.



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Now, when someone asks ‘how are you?’ I answer truthfully. Not so good today.



Sometimes their honesty reaches back across the space between us.



And little by little, in this city of eight million people, we don’t feel so alone.


October Listings

 
 

OCTO-BER


Wed 3rd - Gordon Ramsay’s (St Paul’s)

Fri 5th - Dirty Bones (Shoreditch)

Sat 6th - Axel Arigato (Soho)

Sat 6th - Ace Hotel (Shoreditch)

Sun 7th - No. 29 Battersea Power Station

Wed 10th - Gordon Ramsay’s (St Paul’s)

Sat 13th - No. 601 Queen’s Road

Sat 13th - So Fresh So Clean (Queen of Hoxton)

Wed 17th - Gordon Ramsay’s (St Paul’s)

Sat 20th - Don’t Flop

Sun 21st - No. 197 Chiswick Fire Station)

Wed 24th - Gordon Ramsay’s (St Paul’s)

Sat 27th - Axel Arigato (Soho)

Sat 27th - 1Rebel Day of The Dead

Sat 27th - So Far Gone (Miranda, Shoreditch)

Sun 28th - No. 32 Clapham

Wed 31st - Gordon Ramsay’s (St Paul’s)

September Listings

 
 

SEPTE-MBER


Sat 1st - No29 Power Station West (Battersea)

Sat 1st - SFSC w/Gimme Mar (Brixton Jamm)

Sun 2nd - Axel Arigato (In Store, Soho)

Wed 5th - Gordon Ramsay's (St Paul's) 

Fri 7th - SFSC White City House

Sat 8th - No32 Clapham Old Town (Clapham)

Sat 8th - Axel Arigato (Private Party)

Sat 8th - So Far Gone w/Special Guest (Miranda, Shoreditch)

Wed 12th - Gordon Ramsay's (St Paul's) 

Fri 14th - Just Vibez (Pop Brixton)

Sat 15th - No 197 Chiswick Fire Station

Sat 15th - Rated R (The Book Club, Shoreditch)

Sun 16th - Axel Ariagto (In Store, Soho)

Wed 19th - Gordon Ramsay's (St Paul's) 

Fri 21st - London College Of Fashion

Sat 22nd - No601 Queen's Road (Wimbledon)

Wed 26th - Gordon Ramsay's (St Paul's)

Thu 27th - Guest Mix - Balmaii Radio

Fri 28th - DWYW x Clash Magazine (Koko, Camden) 

Sat 29th - Axel Arigato (In Store, Soho)

Sun 30th - Axel Arigato (In Store, Soho)

The Go Home Club

 
 

SOME-TIMES,


I just want to go home.

At the end of my capacity to handle the noise and invasiveness of everyday life, is the relevant safety of my bed.

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At home, no one is expecting much. No one is looking.

There is space, and comfort.

Respect for all that is cosy.

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On top of the general struggles of anxiety is the unexpected task of handling other people.

Explaining to friends why you only want to make plans that are easy to cancel. Considering the reactions of strangers if you start crying in public. How to truthfully answer the seemingly innocuous question: ‘how are you?’.

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But sometimes, hiding the struggle costs more than it is worth. Sometimes, talking makes you feel better, not worse. Sometimes people share your experiences. Sometimes people just understand.

-

The amount we discuss our mental health (still a weirdly clinical, stigma inducing phrase) doesn’t really reflect the amount it affects us.

Lots of us.

… most of us?

-

So a little selfishly, a little vulnerably, here I am. Adding to the conversation.

The Go Home Club is my safe space. Thoughts, experiences, conversations.

You’re welcome to join.


Rinse FM - Guest Mix

 
 

Rude - Sango feat. Jean Deaux

Maradona - Niniola

Your Teeth In My Neck - Kali Uchis

Trouble Sleep - Zikomo

Ooh Nah Nah - SiR feat. Masego

Meditation - GoldLink feat. Jasmine Sullivan & Kaytranada

Dangereux - Full Crate feat. Shakka & Buddha Satva

Saturday Love (VANDALIZED EDIT) - Jarreau Vandal

31 Questions - Hosk x Jay Wilcox

Mans Not Hot (Refix) - Full Crate

Roll Call - GoldLink feat. Mya

You’re The One - Kaytranada feat. Syd tha Kid

Nothin to Something - Syd

Nah Time / Tee Time - dvsn

Hands - Octavian

Balance - Roy Woods feat. Dvsn & PnB Rock

This Is America - Childish Gambino

Get Down - Junglepussy feat. Rico Love

Sex With Me (FS Green Remix) - Rihanna

Know My Ting - Ghetts feat. Shakka

Falling - Krs. feat. Kes The Band

Wet Looking Road - Everything Is Recorded feat. Giggs

D’Evils - SiR

With U - Jay Prince feat. Mahalia

Every Country - JayKae & Murkage Dave

Still Standing - Wiley

Ball For Me - Post Malone feat. Nicki Minaj

Know - Syd

Mona Lisa - Monte Booker & Naji

Love Galore - SZA feat. Travis Scott

Mouv' Paris - Guest Mix

 
 

LIFE - Saba

Villain - Piers James feat. Dream Mclean

Weekend - Mac Miller feat. Miguel

Fbg - Suspect

Shade - IAMDDB

100 Degrees - Octavian feat. Sam Wise

Uno My Style - Big Tobz

If Only - Kojey Radical

PMW (All I Really Need) - A$AP Rocky feat. Schoolboy Q

Drip - Cardi B feat. Migos

Smokin Refix - Nafe Smallz feat. Chip & Black The Ripper

White Iverson - Post Malone

Preach - Drake feat. PARTYNEXTDOOR

What I Like - BNJMN feat. Krs. & Dutchboy

Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe - DJ Critical Hype

Pick Up The Phone Remix - Belly Squad feat. Abra Cadabra

I Do - Cardi B feat. SZA

No Frauds - Nicki Minaj, Drake & Lil Wayne

My Team - Donae’o

Saucy - TE dness

Call Me A Spartan - Harlem Spartans

Sideting - Young Fume

Active - Professor Green feat. Dream Mclean

Smart Aleck Kill - SG Lewis & Col3trane

Trophy - D-Block Europe feat. Young Adz & Not3s

Wave & Jagga - Jammer feat. Dizzle AP

Child’s Play - Drake